by Brook Olsen on April 12, 2011
As went the marriage so goes the divorce & Stay away from the flypaper!
These were the most important words spoken to me when I was going through my high conflict divorce some 13 years ago. I was working with a therapist that gave me this most important statement that helped me through the nearly 2½-year process that was to come. What he said changed the way I thought about nearly everything that happened from that point on and most importantly how I came to react to what happened during the long divorce process.
If you have been caught up in the painful process of a high conflict divorce for many years, if you reflect I think you will agree with these statements. If you are just starting out in the process of divorce please take the time to reflect on this statements because I believe it will save you great pain and help you find early the path through this most treacherous time.
If you are reading this material you are likely someone who is looking for, or knows someone who is looking for answers to the questions of what is happening to you, as you try to figure out this seemingly chaotic and sometimes senseless process of being caught up in a legal system that is making decisions about you and your family by people that have only spot knowledge of your situation at best and at worst perhaps have no knowledge about what the cycle and traits of a High Conflict divorce are in order to make a good decision.
Most of the Family Court professionals today believe that all parents have to find a way to Co-Parent and make orders that reflect even in the face of clear evidence that these people can’t get along as indicated by their continued presents in front of the court. The truth is that evidence has shown that trying to make this kind of people co-parent only makes the problem worse.
Understanding is probably the single most important necessity to changing the way YOU think, react and behave when it comes to dealing with the other parent. It isn’t advanced psychology when I say that most all of your worldview and behaviors are a product of your history. So understanding their history will help you not only understand better their point of view but will give you a good predictor of the behavior to come. For an adult that was abused as a child you are likely to experience one of two behaviors. Either fear or anger or both. You know which one to expect and when because you have already seen the pattern. If as a child the parents weren’t around much, or there was a early loss of one or both parents, there is a good chance the person may have issues around abandonment and by you leaving, not fighting to stay or threatening to take the children you are poking at the core issue and what you will likely receive is a large and perhaps even an irrationally large response.
by Brook Olsen on April 5, 2011
Avoiding False Allegations
I have found In High conflict divorce and custody cases all to often one of the parents have a less than principled strategy to obtain full custody of the children and to completely control the other parent. The most effective way to accomplish this is to completely remove the other parent from the children’s life and to create enough questions about the other parent’s appropriateness both around them and the children. When you find yourself in this kind of situation you will probably find that the more you advocate for you parental rights, the harder the other parents controlling personality escalates. Many times this escalation results in false allegations of abuse against the children or Domestic Violence against the ex-partner or both. If you can think it they will say it.
This strategy of using false allegations is frequently used in gaining total custody and control of the children. The parents that tend to make these false allegations are extremely calculating and the damage caused is difficult to mitigate.
Defending yourself against this type of extreme behavior can be expensive both financially but also to the mental health of the children. The best way to not find your self in this situation is to anticipate it and avoid getting ambushed by the other parent. If you think it won’t happen to you than think again. If you have been around the other parent for any length of time you probably have a good idea of the personality you are likely facing. And if there is any question at all, DON’T risk it.
The child custody exchange is likely the most important part of the parenting plan when it comes to the subject of avoiding false allegations. When dealing with ex-partners that display a high conflict personality, knowing what the possible strategies that can be used in order to entrap you during and exchange is vital. In order to distance yourself from these strategies you will need to put some easy to use tools in your parenting plan. Installing some straightforward tools into your parenting plan will go far in mitigating the risk for false allegations to strike.
Here is what I consider to be vital components of a parenting plan designed to manage the risk associated with high conflict divorce and custody issues.
“No Face to Face Exchange Exchanges. Using school or daycare to do the exchanges. One parent drops off in the morning the other picks up in the evening.
Supervised exchanges when false allegation have already been rendered or you feel that the accusations are soon to come. Here the cost vs. the possibility of being ambushed is well worth it.
Have someone with you during the exchange when possible. This can keep the other parent from behavior designed to get you to react because someone else is there to witness the exchange.
Exchanges at the homes of either parent are a major NO NO, even if it is curbside. Being in the other parent’s Territory or having them in yours is a recipe for disaster.
Exchanges at the local Police Station will certainly keep the ex from acting out.
By using these tools in the parenting plan you will greatly reduce the risk of being caught off guard and finding yourself fighting an uphill battle to regain custody of your children.
