As went the marriage so goes the divorce & Stay away from the flypaper!
These were the most important words spoken to me when I was going through my high conflict divorce some 13 years ago. I was working with a therapist that gave me this most important statement that helped me through the nearly 2½-year process that was to come. What he said changed the way I thought about nearly everything that happened from that point on and most importantly how I came to react to what happened during the long divorce process.
If you have been caught up in the painful process of a high conflict divorce for many years, if you reflect I think you will agree with these statements. If you are just starting out in the process of divorce please take the time to reflect on this statements because I believe it will save you great pain and help you find early the path through this most treacherous time.
If you are reading this material you are likely someone who is looking for, or knows someone who is looking for answers to the questions of what is happening to you, as you try to figure out this seemingly chaotic and sometimes senseless process of being caught up in a legal system that is making decisions about you and your family by people that have only spot knowledge of your situation at best and at worst perhaps have no knowledge about what the cycle and traits of a High Conflict divorce are in order to make a good decision.
Most of the Family Court professionals today believe that all parents have to find a way to Co-Parent and make orders that reflect even in the face of clear evidence that these people can’t get along as indicated by their continued presents in front of the court. The truth is that evidence has shown that trying to make this kind of people co-parent only makes the problem worse.
Understanding is probably the single most important necessity to changing the way YOU think, react and behave when it comes to dealing with the other parent. It isn’t advanced psychology when I say that most all of your worldview and behaviors are a product of your history. So understanding their history will help you not only understand better their point of view but will give you a good predictor of the behavior to come. For an adult that was abused as a child you are likely to experience one of two behaviors. Either fear or anger or both. You know which one to expect and when because you have already seen the pattern. If as a child the parents weren’t around much, or there was a early loss of one or both parents, there is a good chance the person may have issues around abandonment and by you leaving, not fighting to stay or threatening to take the children you are poking at the core issue and what you will likely receive is a large and perhaps even an irrationally large response.